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Human-Proof Cat House PDF Print E-mail
Written by admin   
Wednesday, 28 March 2012 00:00

catHow to Human-Proof a Cat House


First, we must define "Human-Proof" as the act of arranging a cat house so that the humans who mom and pop-ulate it know without a doubt who is boss in your CAT HOUSE. To accomplish this, put yourself in your human's purrspective: jump up on the highest surface you can find. The top of a door is good, or the railing of a balcony. Your humans' screams of terror will inspire you as you go about surveying your domain. (The effect will intensify if you wobble a bit, or pretend to slip.)

Scan your gaze around your cat house to see spots where your human-proofing work is needed. Making your human's house a cat house is important business, so take your time. You'll see dozens of likely places that could set the scene. We'll give you some useful tips, and with your imagination, you can give this endeavor your purrsonal touch. Remember, cats rule!

The Hairball Hurl
At least once a week, leave a large hairball on the floor in a conspicuous place (the middle of the new Abusson rug is a purrfect spot, or next to the bed is good!) Your human will entertain you for several minutes, by poking, prodding, and analyzing it for content, then extend your entertainment by discussing it for hours with other fascinated humans. (The human mind has an unfathomable bent for making lemonade from life's lemons.)

Extra points are given for making a lot of noise before hurling the hairball. A tried-and-true technique is to hunch over, cough, gag, and groan a lot, then when you have attracted the attention of a solicitous human, produce your award-winning hairball. Your rewards will be enhanced by her cries of "ewuuew!" as she surveys the prize.

The Human Cat House Dance
Leave slippery toys lying around where your human is likely to encounter them at unlikely times (like coming into the house with both arms full of grocery bags.) Her antics as she flails her arms, with elbows, knees and ankles akimbo will give you lots to talk about with other cats on the Kitty Net. Take care that your human doesn't hurt herself, though. The object is just to promote a little fear and panic, which is good for humans - it stimulates their adrenaline glands and gets their hearts pumping. (Think of it as cat house aerobics.) Hard plastic jingle balls are good for this exercise - every self-respecting cat should have plenty of those lying around the house..

Cat House Twist on Toys
When your human brings home a new flashy electronic toy, profess great interest in the box it came in. Garther around it, sniffing and marking it with your cheek glands. Then, when your human hauls out the toy to assemble it, jump in the box for a game of hide-and-seek with another cat. Steadfastly ignore the toy, making it obvious that you think the box is the real gift. If your human fails to get the message, the braver among you may try simulating marking the toy with your other glands. Remember, the key word is simulate: just back up to the toy, raise your tail and let it quiver a bit until you get her attention. Prime cat house human-proofing!

An alternative is to give the toy a rousing round of play. Convince your human that you think it's the niftiest thing to come around since catnip. Then, when she has bragged about it to all her friends, convincing them to buy one too, give it the cold shoulder. Look at it with disdain, and give it a wide berth as you pass it on your way to play in a paper bag. You and your friends on the Kitty Net can do a "group snub" as a means of insuring your domain over your respective cat houses, and it will move you closer to human-proofing your own house.

Cat Food Scramble
This is an excellent variation on the Cat House Twist on Toys. Just substitute the latest bag of superior cat food your human brings home to your house. Sniff and scratch at the bag, or even try to tear it open. Then use either variation of the above method. A superb way to show disdain for food is to scratch the floor all around the bowl as if you were attempting to bury it. Your human will be humbled immediately by this ploy, and your goal of making a home a cat house will soon be within reach.

Bring your Human Gifts
Bubba's supreme crowning moment that made this house his cat house was the night he left a catfish corpse lying on the floor next to Franny's side of the bed. To this day, he has pleasant catnip dreams of her screams when she stepped on the gift in her bare feet on her way to the human litter box. The racket she made resounded throughout the house. Get creative, cats: look around your cat house for similar gifts to share with your human. She'll love them, and you'll get extra human-proofing points for your own house.

The Food Dish Shuffle
Move your food dish from one side of the house to another. Enlist a partner if the dish is heavy. Most stubborn humans will move it back into the kitchen. You've now created an interactive kitty-human game. Every time your human moves it back, wait until she is not around, then move it again (stealth is important). After a couple of weeks, many humans will concede, and will leave the food dish in your purrfurred location.

It's now time four Round 2. You guessed right: move the food dish back into the kitchen. Bonus points are given in Round 1 for choosing the bathtub as your purrfurred location. It's a little challenging, but it can be done.

The Furry Figure-8
When she's walking from one room to another, wind around her legs, in and out, rubbing and purring. This is especially effective if she is carrying something, but watch out for spilled hot coffee! It's best to practise this trick when she is barefoot or wearing slippers. If she steps on your tail, extra points for a blood-curdling meeooowtch! Her screams of fright will more than compensate for the momentary pain, and if you play the guilt trip game, you might even be rewarded with Kitty Krack and lovies.

Cat-Assisted Computer 101
Help your human on the computer. When you see her actively engaged, jump on her lap and climb up her chest until she bobs her head to look around you. Force her to do the one-finger type while she pets you or holds you with her other hand. An alternative technique is to nuzzle her fingers as she types. A little drool is indicated here, along with some shedding. Copious cat spit and fur is great for holding together a keyboard. Keep in mind all the while that this is your cat house and that you are doing your human a huge favor in human-proofing it.

Mind Games:
Skruffy and Veto (Kitty Net Members) vow: "One must keep the humans in a state of dazed befuddlement at all times, and to that end we must mess with their heads."

  • The Hand That Pets:
    Love that warm, cozy feeling when your human pets you? Capitalize on it with a fabulous mind game: After you've had your fill of petting, carefully and meticulously clean off ALL the remnants of human scent from your fabulous fur. Extra points for "annoyance ears" while going about your washing. You want her to get the message that what she thought was her home is really a cat house, and it will drive her wild! Extra points for cleaning her hand before she pets you. Some more obtuse humans might think it's a gesture of love, but the savvy ones will get the message.
  • The Lost in the Wilderness Cry
    One easy-to-master tactic is the "Lost Soul in the Wilderness" cry. "This is simply an extended, hollow, mournful cry, repeated at close but erratic intervals during darkest night. Act indifferent when the human is roused to action." - Skruffy and Veto
  • The Fixed Stare
    Similarly, the fixed stare at a random point on the wall causes humans to come unglued. Pick a spot, stare, and refuse to break your gaze or shift position until your human is standing on chairs listening to the wall with a stethoscope. (Such fun!) - Skruffy and Veto

  • The Ultimate Mind Game: Hide and Seek
    While human-proofing, find the best hiding place in the house. The cubbyhold under the stairs is good, or the back of a deep closet. If your human has a king-sized bed, try underneath, exactly in the middle. Wait until her back is turned, then disappear. It may take awhile for her to notice your absence, so prepare for a long snooze (right after lunch is a good time for this game). Make sure you wake in time to hear her frantic calls for you. Be very quiet and do not fall for lame human tricks like rattling the food bag or using the can opener. After an hour or two of enjoying your human's antics as she searches for you, wander out from your hiding place, and while doing a great deal of yawning and blinking, wrap yourself around her legs.

    Bonus Round of Hide and Seek: Set the scene for this last game by stationing yourself near the outside door, and every time your human opens it, make a feint dash for the door. Warning: Don't actually go out the door (it's very dangerous out there), but act as though it's your heart's desire. You can up the ante by meowing loudly and scratching at the door at odd times of day and night. Then, when you are ready to play the game for real, chances are that your human will immediately think that somehow you managed to slip out. Extend your hiding time in this variation by waiting until she has typed and printed 20 color Lost Cat flyers and distributed them around the neighborhood. (You may need to enlicit the help of your cat-housemates in letting you know.) Then, upon her return, emerge from your hiding place. You'll reign as King or Queen of your cat house and its human-proofing will be complete!


From ubba, Joey, Jaspurr, and Bill at

Last Updated on Wednesday, 28 March 2012 23:46

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